Happy (almost) New Year!

May 2010 bring you all the happiness, love, prosperity and peace that you deserve. May your challenges be small and may you meet them with equanimity & an openness to learn. May your successes be great and may you meet them with gratitude.

While these past few years have been rough, I am grateful for:

My happy son who never ceases to amaze, challenge and make me smile

My supportive family & friends

My dogs (ok, and yes, cats & fish); whose loyalty and undying commitment puts me to shame

A job that provides security and benefits others

To live in such a diverse city, close to nature

The ability to express myself artistically (hopefully more in 2010)

The challenges that have made me grow and be a more compassionate person

The loss of 15 pounds of piled on stress

The rediscovery of yoga, meditation and the art of running with dogs

Raccoons Saved From Pepsi Machine

Oh, this was just too damned cute not to share!

Trailblazing

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fakebook

So, I've been off of facebook for a couple of months now and the feeling is great! I feel free and liberated! I think I finally broke my addiction, but it took a few tries. This whole online stuff, including smart phones, email and texting has just gotten out of hand. More excuses for people to think they are connecting but the reality is, they are not. So, Facebook just had to go. My friend, Cedric, said to his wife, Caroline (who was strong and never got on FB to begin with), "OMG, where's Angela? She's gone!" Puzzled, Caroline replied, "Gone? Gone where? I just saw her yesterday."

Email & texting are just as bad. They give people an excuse not to connect personally. I find people create these online personas and say things via text or email they would never say in person. I guess that might be good if you are a social misfit, but one would hope all of us would like to emotionally advance past the awkward teenage years. How many times have you seen people out to dinner, texting on their iPhones and not talking to each other? I do admit texting is useful if you have a teenager, since they don't communicate any other way. I mean, this is what our kids are growing up with! Do other parents worry their child will not develop appropriate social skills?  I sometimes wonder how far society really has come on an emotional, social and communication (I'm talking real, in person communication!) level with all these 'advanced technologies'.  I seriously had to draw the line when my son texted me from bed asking for something to drink.

So, I'm staying on the wagon this time. I would rather see you in person or talk to you on the phone, if you are my friend, otherwise, you are just a number.

Hope is the Hook

Poem for Hope

A Hong Kong Proverb

As long as we have hope,

we have direction,

the energy to move,

and the map to move by.

We have a hundred alternatives,

a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.

Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;

Hopeless, we are lost forever.

I like the idea of having hope, but I've always been suspicious of it. My friend Debby told me once, "Hope is the hook..." I think it keeps a lot of people stuck; in situations, mindsets, etc. hoping things will change. What if what you hope for doesn't manifest, despite your hard work (or not)? Or, you waste a lot of emotional energy hoping for that certain thing, with anxiety tagging along as you struggle daily with uncertainty of your hoped for outcome? On the other hand, to be hopeless takes everything from a person and leaves him or her at best stuck and at worst, seriously depressed!

So, what's the answer? I think it is just to "live your truth" (read The Four Agreements...I honestly feel if one can follow each agreement, one can be truly free, living their life)...no hope needed. There's just life and the inevitable challenges and obstacles that must be navigated. What if the challenge seems insurmountable? This is where the teachings of the Four Agreements (or looking to other spiritual teachings...I personally stay away from religious teachings but if it helps a person find faith and strength...) can help one strengthen the spirit, look forward (instead of walking backwards into your own future and missing the present), and release & forgive the past. Some people use the wisdom of family and friends to help them through, or a therapist might be necessary. Either way, the only way to overcome adversity forever is to go through it (think about how many times you might have gone around an adversity only to have the same adversity show up again and again!). This is hard because it requires one to feel pain and who wants to do that? So much of our past and the emotions of our past come up and confuse one's present. Still, this is where strength comes in, one must charge right through that challenge.

So, while I can feel inspired by this poem, I have not relied on hope for years to get me out of crisis. I rely on my heart and strength of spirit...and dogs.

I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own

Reality is an illusion...albeit a very persistent one.  ~Einstein

My favorite 'reality' bumper sticker is "Reality is for people who lack imagination."

My least favorite reality bumper sticker, "You create your own reality."

So, while I sip my morning coffee after taking ibuprofen, pseudophed and zyrtec, I've mused on this idea of reality.This is not the first time reality and I have bumped heads, and I'm sure it will not be the last.

Several years ago, a friend told me, "Well, we all create our own realities." This was the first time I had heard such a thing and I had an immediate negative reaction towards it. I would be going through some drama with my ex husband in court, or some difficulty raising my young child, and said friend would persist, "Well, you are creating your reality." Huh? While I have not always handled my problems with equanimity, I believe problems come to help us learn and grow. The mere act of having any sort of relationship with another living being is a problem! The issue is, was and always will be relationship, not reality.

Since that time, I've heard this mantra used over and over again in the New Age community. I love yoga, but all the benefits of savasanawould flee as the teacher would mention, "Keep breathing deeply, you are creating your reality every moment...everything in your life, you created." Seriously, everything? I honestly don't think this is entirely true.

While I'm all for positive thinking and want to be happy like everyone else, it's simply not possible to have that mindset all the time, let alone create it at will. In fact, the deeper one has experienced sorrow, the greater one's joys will be...they are two sides of the same coin. Sometimes, I need to work through that bad mood, depression or sadness so I can move on...instead of stuffing it so it can ferment while I fool myself into thinking my 'reality' is just grand. Suffering is a part of everyone's reality, and most people really don't want to create it...but, there it is.

I think the idea that we create our own reality is solipsistic. I create my own reality; I can do whatever I want, no matter its effect on others, and there are no consequences.Uh uh. Life just doesn't work that way. Everything we do has repercussions. We don't live in our own created reality bubble (unless you are a hermit, but even then, he has nature to deal with...). We must accept and deal with other people's 'realities' and the interconnectedness of Life.I create relationships by who or what I choose to spend my time with, I'll give you that. But reality is a much bigger, more complicated and elusive entity. 

I don't think victims of war, hate crimes, molested children, etc. wanted these things to happen. If you abide by the 'you create your own reality' shtick, well, then, they brought those misfortunes unto themselves. They didn't send those positive thoughts out into the Universe. Sorry. Don't buy it.

Whatever reality is or is not, it is a bit egotistical to think, as an individual, we have so much power in creating it. We do play a part in creating certain things in our lives (what career to have, what partner to share with, whether to have children or not, etc.), but, I feel, the more people, animals, activities, things, etc. we have in our life the less control we have over 'reality'.

I challenge you New Agers to take a long, hard look at this 'create your own reality' stuff. Did the victims of 9/11 or the innocent Iraqi families whose homes were bombed create those realities? Did I have any part in creating this sinus infection resulting from an allergic reaction to high pollen counts?

Ultimately, we can either fool ourselves into thinking we have control over our realities or accept the fact that we have no control over anything and enjoy the ride. Reality, that shape shifter of the cosmos, constantly changing. No matter what we do or 'create', Reality simply is. Now, our reaction to reality, well...that's another post.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Some Things Are True, Whether You Believe Them or Not

"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not"
Seth, City of Angels

Guess I'm feeling philosophical this morning...this is actually something I wrote over a year ago, but wanted to post it here. I'll transfer my reality post tomorrow.

Ahhh...Truth. A different side of the reality coin. A paradox. Elusive to those with closed minds. Obvious to others detached from it. Then there are those dedicated to their own, "personal truths" which can change depending on the wind.

Ultimately, though, there is only truth. And truth doesn't have to prove itself. It doesn't care if you honor it or not. It will simply go on being truth, regardless. Experience has taught me that life is a lot less complicated if I align myself with truth...but sometimes, truth seems lost in a fog.

One value I have tried very hard to instill in Erik is to always tell the truth. As Mark Twain has said, ' if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.' It is amazing to me how, at even a young age, children are quick to tell a lie before the truth. I think this is a basic human survival instinct. Let's face it, looking back over our human history, telling the truth sometimes got you dead! So, it is up to us parents and teachers to help our children find value in truth...not an easy task.

Erik has stumbled around truth many times and dabbled in half truths and whole lies. Recently, he was confronted by his baseball coach and he chose truth, whereas many teammates chose to lie. This cost him play time in the next game; a harsh consequence indeed. A friendship suffered because of Erik's decision. A buddy chose to lie to the coach and got to play in the game. It's been weeks now, but Erik can't let it go. "But he was such a good friend," I say. "But he lied, mom!" Erik's first instinct was to go to the coach and tell him how these other boys lied. I advised him to rethink that tactic. "Argue your case, but don't be a tattletale..." He actually took my advice for once.

Over the years, I have also struggled with truth and the lies of others. I am no saint. In fact, I can be quite lazy. I guess this is why I just find it easier to deal with the truth, than to waste energy on lies. When I would complain about this to my friend, Debbie, "Why would they lie like that? Now I have lost all trust...I can never trust anyone again!" (wah wah :( )

She wisely replied, "You can always trust someone to be true to themselves in the moment." (not her exact words, but you get the jist). Yes, even when they lie.

What a relief. People lie for all sorts of reasons and it's really not my responsibility. If a friend chooses to lie to me, breaking a trust...it really has nothing to do with me. I can then choose to stay friends or move on. Many of us, myself included, rail against this broken trust issue. "I can never trust again!" But, think about it. Why not? I give my trust freely and will continue to do so. A good side effect of aging is that the older I get, the less I suffer fools. I try to live an honest life and usually this attracts honest people of like mind.

Debbie continued to tell me, "The truth just is. It doesn't matter... the lies others tell, the truth will always, simply, be."

My Gandhi quote from my reality post goes well with this (and yes, I like quotes):

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it.

Feng Shui Foibles

I've had a wire problem for years. They are still trying to take over and this simply can't be good. I have tried to hide them but they continue to find ways to multiply at every outlet. No amount of furniture rearranging, clutter clearing or crystal placement has helped. They are still there, causing me countless hours of worry over their ubiquitous entanglements and resistance to any form of organization...and I'm not even a Virgo! Dare I throw caution to the wind and unplug them all? I doubt that will work...they will probably simply end up in the south-west corner of my living room with those damnable phone chargers and mysterious wire-whatnots. But. I tell you, something must be done to stop this.

Dog as Teacher

About 15,000 years ago, wolves decided to align their destiny with ours. Many believe ancient man domesticated the wolf by taming wolf pups but I agree with Coppinger's  findings that wolves domesticated themselves and, with the help of man, created the most diverse species on this planet.

Native Americans revered the wolf and looked to him as a teacher. He is the forerunner of new ideas; returning from his journeys to teach the clan. They also recognized the loyalty of dog. I believe dogs decided to stay with us to teach us how to live a happy and balanced life (whatever your religious or nonreligious beliefs are, I do think the Universe had this plan for dogs)...something many of us forgot on the path towards acquiring things, keeping up with our neighbors and selfish, personal pursuits.

In the rushed state I've been living, I usually jump out of bed at the sound of the alarm, racing against the day. My dogs are always eager to keep up with me, but still take time for a good stretch and yawn. In fact, left to their own devices, Tikka and Roman love a long stretch and belly rub first thing in the morning. Roman will then rub his body against the bed, hoping for an errant foot to scratch his rump. Tikka rolls around on her back, stretching her legs in the air, while letting out grumbles of pleasure, and licking my face all over since she sleeps on my pillow.Then, they are ready to greet the day with such joy and anticipation, my cup runneth over with guilt as I close the door on their eager faces in order to go to work.

Amazingly, Roman and Tikka do not hold any grudges against me. In fact, they wait all day and greet me with such enthusiasm upon my return. Always. How many of us greet our loved one's return with such love?

Even children recognize how special dogs are. Actually, I shouldn't belittle children by saying "even" since children have a lot more wisdom than adults give them credit for.

A friend sent me the following email:
Upon the death of his beloved dog, a six year old's parents mused how short a dog's life is compared to ours. Their son said, "I know why... 
People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps daily (Oh, I like this one!).

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass...

So, what has your dog taught you?

Roman has taught me the art of patience and understanding. He has truly helped me become a more calm and relaxed person, even during times of stress. He, more than any other dog I've had, has taught me the value of commitment in a relationship. There were times, I'm ashamed to admit, I was so ready to give up on him, but how could I? He would never give up on me.

Tikka has taught me how to see others as individuals, with their own special needs and gifts...and that a low growl will keep cats off the bed.

They have both taught me that hard work and perseverance can overcome almost any obstacle...that my goals are within my reach if I remain true to myself. All of my dogs have taught me about unconditional love (yes, I believe our dogs have emotions and that they love us...or whatever you want to call it, they are feeling something akin to joy when they see us after a long day) and commitment and loyalty. They love with clear, open hearts until their dying breath. Even when they are abandoned by their owners, as most of my dogs have been, they were still able to open to love and trust again.

Tikka has also taught me that if I fall asleep before her evening walk, she will poop in the dining room and not feel bad about it. Both dogs are still trying to teach me to live in the moment; that life really is only occurring right now, so I better reach out and enjoy it.

Where do Old Phone Chargers Go to Die?

...apparently, this corner of my living room...along with some suspicious looking cords with their mysterious ends that fit...where?! Then there is the menagerie of bits and pieces of wires and whatnots that are surly up to no good. What do I do with this feng shui nightmare? I stuff them all in a bag and try to forget about them...that is, until I am meandering about the South-West end of my living room. I envision dumping the whole thing on some street in the mission under the cover of night....someone will find use for them or could even sell them...Any ideas most welcome.

Sixteen Years

I know this is so cliche...but what happened? How did Erik go from the above pic (5 months) to the one below...Six years...to...

...to now, sixteen years...so fast, so bittersweet...but he never lost the joyfulness he had as a baby (he used to wake up, singing and talking to himself and his stuffed toys in his crib...now, on school break, he just doesn't wake up!). In a few years, he'll be gone and I'll be...???

PaWs for Peace

(click on image to enlarge)

What better way to spend Christmas day than at Ft. Funston with good friends and good dogs. Not only was the day amazingly beautiful, but I was truly able to be in the  moment like all the dogs try to teach us...even for a little while. Something happens to the dogs once we hit the beach...beaches are magical, or spiritual if you will...I know the dogs feel it. The chasing of the waves, the digging in the sand, the wild abandon as they chase each other with wide, sloppy grins on their faces...How can that NOT take you out of your self and your mind's racing thoughts and just Be and feel the joy? 

I've always wondered what is it about beaches that attract so many to them? One thought I have is that they are that in between place of groundedness and spirit or emotion. I guess that is sort of how I live, a life in between. Not always easy. I sometimes think it would be just easier to be grounded all the time, logical, systemic and organized...or to just totally abandon myself to spirit and the chaos of feeling complete emotion all the time...But, that is not how I'm made and I need to accept that...I live a life in between, in the waves...Sometimes the waves are warm and calm, guiding me with their gentle caresses as they swirl around my body and other times they simply bash me on the head as if to say, "Wake up, fool! Get on with it!" In the end, it's always about the lesson...the damned lesson. My good friend Debby calls this the Learning Planet...if we weren't learning, we wouldn't be here...but shit, I wish I didn't have to learn so much all the time. I guess I'd rather be a conscious being, though, than a person who is still 'asleep' so to speak, making the same mistakes over and over...At least now, my mistakes build on previous ones and I no longer have to whine "Oh, gawd, not this same old shit again" Now I get to say, "Yeah! Some new shit to deal with, but Yeah! I get to learn something new!" Ha!

But, back to the title of this post. Paws/Pause for Peace. Right now, I just want peace...not only for myself, but for my family, friends, hell, for the whole world...I figured out how to get it. Go to the beach and just stop and look. Breathe. Listen. You can't help but feel the peace...then go back out into your world and share it with someone else.

Namaste in 2010

Happy, Merry, Whatever

I'm trying, I'm really trying, to find some holiday cheer...if only for my son's sake. He always has cheer and is willing to share, at least. But, sometimes life throws you a curve and you just get knocked sideways...it takes a while to learn the lesson or lessons in my case. I told a friend the other day that I will not be sorry to say good bye to 2009...sort of reminds me how I felt about 1999 (though that year was worse, let me tell you).

But, there is something about the holidays that just brings out so much unhappiness in people. I'm not just talking about the obvious: the poverty stricken and homeless and sick...but even the ones who seem to have everything. Don't you see it all around? Maybe it is because we are being forced to be happy and cheerful by society and to spend time with some people we actually may not want to spend time with...well, I guess that's why they always have a lot of alcohol about.

Well, all cynicism aside, I AM grateful for my wonderful son...for an immature 16 year old, he has been of immense support to me and can always make me laugh. I am grateful to my dog and, to a lesser degree (only because they shit in a box that I have to keep in my house), my cats. I can't imagine waking up without my animals about me; licking my face, wagging their tails; showing me the joy of simply waking up. I am grateful for my parents and family for their generosity of spirit and kindness and tough lessons taught and learned, but tempered with humor. I am grateful to my friends, without their support, well, I'd be sitting alone pitying myself and blogging (wait a minute...). Friends, you know who you are and I love you, man! I am grateful I have a job I like and that keeps me young at heart and a talent that, when I let the creative juices flow, I can share with the world.

Painting Again

Thanks to my good friend, Caroline, of  Wampoline Studios, I finally finished this painting of Tikka (acrylic on canvas). Caroline's knowledge and expertise was invaluable in helping me finish this painting. She is available for private and group painting/drawing instruction. I highly recommend her!

As a blocked artist, she helped me release some of the blocks that have been holding me back and her eye for color and placement is excellent. Stay tuned. I will be having more lessons with her as I build my pet portrait portfolio.

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Teaching Kindergarten has been quite the exhausting, roller coaster experience that I knew it would be. Why would any sane person want to do this, then? I spend my day on my feet going from child to child (I have 22 of them) for one reason or another: Tying shoes, applying bandaids to boo boos, helping with a pencil grip and letter formation, helping get a lunchbox or homework out of a backpack, taking off jackets, cleaning up vomit, wiping bloody noses, controlling chaos during "choose and do" and "center" activities, and trying to prevent food flinging and chocolate milk spraying during lunchtime. All the while, I am entertaining by acting silly to get the children's attention...and making them laugh to keep it. Not an easy task to accomplish with 4 and 5 year olds.

In the middle of all of this, I am trying to teach a curriculum based on English Language Arts, Math, Social Studies, P.E. (yes, I have to teach P.E. since our P.E. teacher quit), Art and Science Standards while fielding a multitude of questions from 21 sets of nervous parents. To top it off, I have identical twin boys who hardly speak English and dress the same every day! I've had to resort calling them "JohnnyJames" (not their real names)...Oh, yeah, back to my question: Why would any sane person do this?

I can only speak for myself, but the main reason I do this is the feeling I get when I touch a child and earn his or her love. When I have that love, the child can't help but learn and grow. The sad part of my job is that I hardly have any one on one time with the kids so I need to make an extra effort to capture those moments to connect with each child.

Four and five year olds say the most amazing things. I am bone tired these days, but I always leave school with at least one funny story to share.

Yesterday, I asked a little boy if he enjoyed the 'listening center'. He replied, "Yes, but I'm really sad I missed the "L"s yesterday." (he was absent, and that was the letter of the day)

Today, another teacher found one of my students shivering under the water fountains. When asked why she was there, she said, "I left my jacket in the classroom and I'm cold. Metal conducts heat to make me warm." This same student told her mom she better get a 'back up husband' in case "something happened to daddy."

I've also had another student pretend to drink wine from her thermos and told me her dad found me on Facebook!

I didn't think Kinders could rival some of the things my second graders used to write to me in their journals:

"I am sorry. I will rescue you, my princess. From Andrew"

"I love you so much. You're so beautiful to me. I like when you work and I like your hair. Love, Alex"

"Thank you for all those stars. I really like them. I'm sorry for calling Andrew gay."

"I have a lot of questions for you, as usual. Please answer besides the letter A. 1. What is your favorite color? 2. How old is your son? 3. How old are you? Sincerely, Ian"

I never thought I could teach Kindergarten but I am discovering it's the hidden gem grade level.

An added bonus is I am able to leave by 3pm every day instead of staying until 5pm (I'm only paid until 3).

Now, if only parenting a 16 year old boy was as easy!