Mood Tracker

Given that I'm prone to mercurial moods and emotional flights of fancy when under stress, my ONE New Year's resolution was just to get healthy. I left it vague on purpose; so as not to stress myself out with a list of things I must do by December 31st.

I have not mentioned my New Year's resolution since my past experiences have proven that the mere act of mentioning them, dooms them to failure.

BUT, so far this year:

• I've lost all of my stress weight (which has caused a conundrum since I had to buy new clothes and I hate shopping...)...
• I've been running and doing yoga regularly for 3 months and have recently gotten a glimpse of the elusive 'runner's high'...my goal is to do a 10k this summer but I'll be happy with a 5k.
• I'm actually eating fruit almost daily and drinking water...still avoiding vegetables, though
• Cut out alcohol and coffee, for the most part (well, I still like a glass or two of wine in social situations, and limit my coffee toa couple of cups in the a.m. I'm just not using either as a stress reliever or a.m. charger anymore...).
• Breathing more (very helpful to living), "this, too, shall pass..."
• I'm painting and drawing again and reveling the escape into my right brain
• Making the time to do...nothing...alone...and not feel guilty about it. After all, I read that creativity needs at least 90 minutes of stewing time to become fruitful...so my 'doing nothing' is really part of that process...

All of these changes have had a remarkable, positive affect on my daily mood. While the Irish and Italian in me will never be a calm mix, I am finding equanimity and peace in life's mundane and not-so-mundane experiences. This has caused quite a disturbance at home. My son keeps asking me, "Mom! Why are you singing and listening to music OUT LOUD, while cleaning my room?!" He seemed quite distressed!

"I just feel happy and want to live with open doors..."

"What are you so happy about?" he accused. I guess he's used to that nagging, cranky, grumbling woman who simply throws clean clothes into his room, quickly shutting the door behind them. :P

This made me pause, my mind, wonderfully blank. "Um, I don't think I'm happy about anything..."

He just rolled his eyes and went back to his xBox ways, as a normal teenager should do...and I basked in the fact that I can keep his bedroom door open AND see his floor at the same time. Hell, that's a sure way to lift any parent-of -a-teenager's mood.

Naughty VS. Nice

Something happens to my dogs at sunset, on a full moon....I know from the look in their eyes that they have evil intentions of pooping in the living room that night, with a side order of urine...They hypnotize me, or something, because I always sleep through this shenanigan. Something must be done.

Naughty or Nice?

So, being the procrastinator that I am, I decided to update this blog instead of clean and start cooking for the evening soiree. The above photo shows an actual Valentine gift I got from a 5 year old boy (student). The bracelets are faux leather with little studs. The little piggy is a coin purse. LOL! I just wonder, what was his mom thinking when she put this gift together? Of course, there was chocolate, which salvaged the gift. I guess I can wear the bracelet and, depending on my mood, people will automatically know how to approach me. And, if I want to get really daring, I can wear both of them at the same time, on the same wrist. That is surly a way to shake things up.

Nap Time

Believe it or not, I'm in the bed, too...Napping is a well deserved reward in my opinion. If you have a dog to nap with...well...you are doubly rewarded.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

One book I keep going back to is the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a simply written book but with an extremely powerful and challenging set of 'agreements' that point the reader towards a path of growth. This growth allows one to live a life free from self inflicted agony and discover their authentic self.

The one agreement I struggle with is to not take anything personally. I'm constantly reminding myself that what others do "to me" really has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with that person. I want to believe people don't intend to hurt others with their words, actions and non actions, but it's sometimes hard not to take these words and actions personally. The same can be said for myself. If I lash out in hurt at someone who has wronged me, my words may have elements of truth, but they are really about my pain and not the other person. So, I must delve deeper into the cause of the pain and transmute it into strength. I'm also guilty of not always being impeccable with my word. I try to live a life honoring my truth and one of integrity. I have been accused of being too trusting and open, but I really don't know any other way to be! So, when I discover I've been lied to, betrayed and fooled I beat myself up for not knowing better. In the end, I use my words of anger against myself.

So, what is the answer? How does one navigate this bumpy road to find peace and authentic love? The answer comes with yet another agreement: Always try your best. And your best will be different from day to day. Most people have a lot of baggage that needs to be unpacked and dealt with. This is not a pleasant activity and causes a lot of resistance. But, by becoming aware and feeling the pain, letting the fear move through you; those old wounds begin to heal and the mistakes you keep making begin to stop since you've learned the lesson.

I've realized, the hard way, that life is not about getting to a place that's really swell. It's about the journey and the lessons presented along the way. And, on those days when my depression and pain overtake me to the point I simply cannot fathom taking one more step, a miracle always happens that propels me forward. So, while I regret my mistakes, with the help of the Four Agreements, it is my hope that I will learn and become a stronger person on the path towards true freedom.

If you have read this book, what has your experience been trying to live the teachings? What has been the most challenging? What has been the most enlightening?

Discovering Pt. Isabel

Because Roman was so dog aggressive when we first got him, I never had the joy of discovering other Bay Area dog parks. This morning, we went to Pt. Isabel and, Oh.My.God., it rivals Ft. Fun for Doggie Heaven. Roman had a muddy blast while meeting up with no less than ten GSDs. There must have been every dog breed there...

Young Malinois, "Q", contemplates all these shepherd shenanigans.

I Didn't Forget Tikka!

While Tikka enjoyed the house to herself today, she did get out to view the cherry blossoms. I love this time of year when the cherry and apple blossoms bloom. They always fill me with a weird sort of hope.

German Shepherds Unite!

Click on pictures to enlarge (yes, I finally figured out how to resize my digit photos so they are not humongous!)

It's sometimes hard being a German shepherd. Other dogs and people don't always understand their exuberant, herding, talkative ways. Roman hooked up with five other shepherds this morning and had a great time running all over Point Pinole Regional Shoreline. It's really quite a sight to see a pack of GSDs running full tilt. Beautiful. After a two hour hike/run Roman has been down for the count. A tired shepherd, is a good shepherd!

Almost Famous

Over a year ago, Gavin Newsom walked into my classroom. He was visiting our school as part of a city wide disaster drill in 2008. I will refrain from expressing my opinion of him. One of my more recalcitrant students asked him, "How old are you?" "How old do you think I am?" Newsom replied. "Oh, forty." I'm sure with his well coiffed hair and charming smile, he thought he'd garner a lower number. I was left feeling...well...not impressed.

ANYway. It turns out I was on the news that night but I never saw it. In my mailbox at school today I found a clipping from Sunday's paper. I thought, "Why the F is this in here?" But upon closer inspection...yes, there they were, my former students, complete with small sign in the lower right corner that said, 'Room 4 Ms. Casey'.

Ah, my 30 seconds of fame.

The Only Thing Cuter Than a Kitty is a Dog

I'm sure most of you (or, at least 4 out of my 5 readers....)have seen this...but it cracks me up every time!

YouTube Surprise Kitty

Still doesn't top Tikka when she has her cute face on...as she does, all. the. time.

and I'm not biased...

The "L" Word

(after several nights of insomnia due to my fever, I think my brain is still downshifted...maintaining 3 blogs is a lot of work; it was just a matter of time before I posted something for my classroom blog here...let's just hope I don't ever do vice versa! Gotta maintain my squeaky clean and conservative Kindergarten teacher image since these kids will remember me for the REST OF THEIR LIVES! I still remember my Kindergarten teacher...Mrs. Oster...she was like, a million years old and had a lot of saliva build up as she spoke, spitting at us on occasion...she scared the living hell out of me on Halloween when she dressed up in full witch costume and came 'flying' into the room on a broom and jumped from table to table. I also remember being sent to the corner and secretly sucking my thumb...I have no idea why I was sent there but I remember not feeling too happy. I won't get into the rest of my Catholic school education...ended up with 17 years in one Catholic institution or another...Now? I consider myself a recovering Catholic as I still have that guilt thing going and fear domineering men in robes offering me wine and foul crackers...OK, got really off track...)

And no, I'm not talking about a lesbian HBO series...In honor of my favorite upcoming holiday, I'm talking about LoVe and, in honor of my last post, I'm including LeArNiNg.

It seems everyone really wants to receive Love. We feel, as humans, it is our right; so, we focus on the 'getting'. "I want to be IN love," a former boyfriend told me years ago (at the time we were dealing with some conflict or another). "I want to be IN love," many single friends say. "I want to feel IN love," many attached friends say. "I've given up on finding love," even other friends say. Hey, I've been there, too...but how often do we hear people just say, "I want TO love..."? I'm guilty here, for sure.

The thing is...again, cliche? simplistic?...The only way to get love is to give it. There is a saying, "You only get to keep, what you give away," I can only speak for myself, but I do find that when I'm in a funk, depressed, cranky, mean, snappy, etc., the reactions I get from people are usually either avoidance or the same.... On the flip side, I know what it is like to (try) to do things from a place of love (or, at least, heavy like). This is not always easy, especially with difficult people...but, the fact is, these very people become less difficult if I soften up and concentrate on giving kindness. I find this challenging when I'm not feeling great, but I'm still trying.

This seems obvious and simplistic, but how many of us practice it on a daily basis, especially when times are draining the core of our very being? As we approach this day for Lovers, maybe we can become more aware of how we are really interacting with those around us. Having any kind of relationship with another human is difficult...at least, if you want a deep connection and strong intimacy.

As the Beatles said, "All you need is love," and, well, they are right.

Love is a verb and requires action on our part, without the expectation that we will get anything in return. Helping others (and I include animals, the environment, etc. here, not just people) is an act of Love and through our loving actions we Learn and grow into more aware, conscious beings.

In conclusion, I don't think love is about finding ways to fill ourselves up...we are already whole and we should not need others to complete us. It's not about the 'getting'...It's clear, though, that when we give we ultimately get...Still...love is a paradox to me and something I will continue to be curious about...It's so easy for me to love animals and kids...it's just some of those big people I've had trouble with...

In Sickness and In Health

I got really, really sick this weekend; Full on, out-of-commission, down for the count sick (shivers, aches, dizziness...fun times). I'm still not 100% but able to maintain a vertical position for a few minutes.

Of course, Roman and Tikka have been by my side the whole time, but they suck when it comes to fetching water or a cool cloth; and, they don't offer much support as I moan in agony. I'm thanking some special human friends for sticking by my side, not only during good times, but when I have really needed that friendship...a time I couldn't really be a friend myself. I usually just hole up when I'm sick like this, but having a few friends checking in on me...well, I didn't realize how lucky I am to have that. I feel guilty for taking this for granted ...for years.

So, I'm thanking you now. "When the rest of the world walks out, a true friend walks in."

What is the Life in Your Happiness?

I read a great blog post the other day entitled "Recognizing the Obvious".

Thought I would share it with you here. All I can say is, Amen Jonathan Zap.

I love the part where he talks about people going on quests and/or whatnots to find the meaning of life....but "it is life that asks you what your meaning is, and you have to supply it heart beat by heart beat." Basically, we discover our 'meaning' by learning and loving and this leads to true happiness and fulfillment. Simple, but not easy...and I'm a lazy learner, I admit (and a lazy lover, but we won't go into that now). All this self realization and personal growth is exhausting and requires, well...a lot of work. But, it beats the alternative so I better get my lazy ass in gear.